just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
