6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
