Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
