I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
