I'm eating all of the evidence.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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