wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
