She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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