is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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