I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
