theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
