that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
