I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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