do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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