I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
