Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Randomize
