She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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