My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
