Plan B is the new Plan A
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
