Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
