They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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