My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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