my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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