got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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