That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My day in three words: secret purse cake
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
