I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Randomize
