Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
