Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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