Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
