Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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