i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
