Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
