I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You're like the curious george of whores
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
