My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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