i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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