FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I had to cum in my sink.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
