I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
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