I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
