I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Tell her she can't have a vagina
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
