note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
