my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
