Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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