Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
