Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I love having hate sex.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
