I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
