??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
