an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
