she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
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