she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
