He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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