everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
