I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
