I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
